once again

plus, i also seem kinda moody lately. i think it's because of my period because i don't think i'm usually very moody. kinda depressed and grouchy. mostly it's directed towards my niece though. so maybe i'm just a little tired of taking care of her? every day when i'm not at work. i'm expected to take care of her. the expectations that are piled on me are getting kinda old. and i'm tired. i guess it is my period. or have i always been this pessimistic?
i told michael the other day that i didn't really have a goal in life and therefore had no motivation to further my education quickly. that english as my major is just a easy way out. that becoming a librarian is just something to do. that i don't have any big goals in life except to live... that my college career and my chosen profession is just something i chose because it was the right time and the expected choice. that i fear becoming some kind of person who just floats in life. and i envy the people who have the burning urge to do something with their life. do people have to push themselves to want to do something with their life? or do people just effortlessly want?
when i told michael this, he just seemed kinda flabbergasted. he told me to find something i wanted to do...but what is that? shouldn't i know already? would i be able to forgive myself if i went on a long detour to find it? am i just that anal-retentive that everything has to be in a certain order and that order does not include life confusion? is that why i feel so apprehensive?
maybe i'm just sleepy.
oyasumi